cabbage boy (kingpumpkin3) wrote,
cabbage boy

  • Music:

day after week after month after year.....

well it's been a while since i've written in here. i guess i kind of got bored. life will also have drama and comedy. but i usually turn to livejournal when i'm lonely. i've been sort of emotionally strung out lately. i'm becoming the person i always knew i would be and yet, i seem to be losing friends instead of making them. school is hard, community council is almost a waste of time and emotion and energy (but i'm still doing it), and everything else just doesn't seem to exist. i have almost no focus. i have almost no ambition. i have goals, but they seem so far away it's hard to believe my actions are actually progressing toward them.
i just want to go out in a warm rain and take off all my clothes and roll around in the mud. at times i wish i lived on a deserted island. i think i will be more productive when i'm alone, but i'm usually not. but it's the thought that counts.
the older i get the more shy i become. i hate to improvise. i hate to make speeches. i hate most of the people i assume look down upon me.
i wish i was a sheet of music. i wish i could compose. i want to make so much magic. and yet. i know it will never happen. i try and try and try and always end up in the same place: painting everything black. i tell myself there are things i need to do and i never do them. there are things i tell myself i must never do and i do them. again and again.
why have i become so infantile in my lust for justification of my actions from others? i have become a gossiping bitch who cares only about how he looks in the eyes of others. is it a crime to want to share myself to others? please help me escape from myself.
stupid livejournal.

the end.
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